Post all jokes in this thread Philippines

Iba ang Pinoy 2


Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from the Philippines the others from Mexico and U.S. of A. The american gets a tape measure and does some measuring and says, the job will cost $900.00: $400.00 for materials, $400.00 for labor and $100.00 for me. The Mexican do the same and says, $700.00: $300.00 for materials, $300.00 for labor and $100.00 for me. The Pinoy leans over to the White House official and whispers, $2,700.00. The official says, WHAT! You didn�t even measure like the other guys! How do you expect me to consider your bid? Easy, the Pinoy said, $1,000.00 for you, $1,000.00 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico.

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the fence.

ANAK - Tay graduate na po ako
ITAY - Mabuti naman anak, anong natapos mo?
ANAK - AB po
ITAY - 4 years ka nagaaral, AB lang natapos mo?
          bumalik ka sa Maynila, at tapusin mo  hanggang Z.

Inday, the blonde Pinay, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,
"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Inday.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is pipty bucks all right?" Inday asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Inday knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Inday.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Sa Mental Hospital......

Nagdrawing ang doctor ng pinto sa blackboard.

Doctor: Kung sino ang mauunang makalabas dito sa pinto ay makakalabas dito sa hospital.

Nagunahan ang mga pasyente! Pero may isang di tumakbo at ito'y tumatawa.

Doctor: Aba mukhang magaling na ang isang ito ha! Matanong nga. Bakit di ka nakipagunahan?

Pasyente: Eh abno pala yang mga yan eh na sa akin 'yung susi.

Hahaha! 

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko.
Sabi nya “GO TO HELL”, kaya ito uwi, agad ako.
——

Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
——

Hello! Heto na naman ako. Gulung-gulo ulit ang isip ko. May nais lang sana akong itanong sa inyo. Alam ko matutulungan niyo ako.
Ang BIRDS FLU ba ay past tense ng BIRDS FLY?
——

  masteral na nga naman

muntik na akong maihi sa birds flu na yan ah. good one 

testingssssssssssssssssssssss

Juan: anu yan? pinya? penge naman!
Pedro: penge? asan ka nung nagtanim ako? nung nagsikap? nung naghirap? asan?
Juan: nasa kulungan, nakapatay ng madamot!
Pedro: ah cge, kuha ka na, may saging pa dun oh.

--------------

Estudyante:Buti pa ang saging, may puso! Pero ikaw,sir...wala!
Professor: Aba'y kung ganyanan lang, eh...buti pa ang sisig, may utak! Eh ikaw, wala!

--------------

JOE: How much is the fee for annulment?
ATTY: P100,000.
JOE: But I only paid P1,000 for my marriage!
ATTY: The price for freedom, my friend, is always expensive!

-------------

Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko pag nagka-anak kayo ni Jinky uli, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.
Manny: 0o naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Dionisia: Hndi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
Manny: Talaga nay? Anu?
Dionisia: DIOMANJI

Juan: birthday ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha.

Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: ha? Bakit?
Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng ! banyo eh.
Wife: punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!

anak: itay ano po english sa saging?
itay: saging lang di mo alam?
anak: ano nga poh?
itay: saba!!!
anak: sabi po ng teacher ko banana!!!
itay: kung...hinog!!!

Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun:"Sino ang walang assignment?"

REPORTER:Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step nyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER:Sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

Nitrates
A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, "What are Nitrates?
The student replied shyly, "Ma'am, sa motel po. Nitrates are higher than day rates!"

sign sa pinto ng isang computer shop somewhere in palawan:

PUSH. if that doesnt work, PULL.
if that doesnt work, we're closed. come again.

doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?

Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS test!

tapos sasabihin pa niyaâ¦

THINK POSITIVE

hihihihi natawa ako sa sino walang assignment hihihi

Man & married woman talking...

Man: mam why are you wearing the wedding ring on the wrong finger?
woman: me? because i married the wrong guy!

"if are"?


sabi ni packman, yan ang gamot sa masil na parang taling nagkapilipilipit..


alaxan "if are"...

Boy friend and girl friend check in sa motel.

GF - Bakit mo ako dinala dito?
BF- Pakakasalan naman kita eh.
GF- Ayoko dito
BF - Wala kang tiwala sa akin?
GF- Basta ayoko ...............


     ..............mahina aircon dito
      sa iba tayo.

Bye-Bye Lexus!


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. ' You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.'

'How can you say such a thing?' he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, 'You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.'

'OH, NO!' screamed the lawyer in shock. 'Where is my Rolex?!'


THE LUCKY JOKE: This is a joke that should bring you luck.


An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"

LOLO: doc, sa age kong 80 pewde pa ba akong magdogstyle?

DOC: siguro PUPPY style na lang po..

LOLO: pano po yun?

DOC: PUPPPYndot pindot at PUPPYNGER finger na lang!

hehe okay ah... ganun ba talaga pag pinoy? wais ba o talagang magulang lang? atleast kumita sya... sige wise lang talaga.